Master of the House
by Celtic Aurora
Summary: Songfic Kraven believes he's the master of Ordoghaz. Selene, however, has other ideas...Songfic set to "Master of the House" from Les Mis PreUnderworld .


_**A/N: **Hey ya'll! Well...seems like while I'm incapable of writing a full-length Underworld story-unless I cross it over with Van Helsing or something- I'm perfectly capable of writing these little one-shots! This one came to me a while back...I started writing it after my Math midterm and finished during times in class and after midterms when I was bored. So I hope you all enjoy this by-product of my boredom!_

_**Disclaimer: **I don't own Underworld, Len Wiseman does. And I don't own "Master of the House", that belongs to whoever wrote Les Miserables.

* * *

_Selene leaned against the wall in the back on the formal salon, her arms folded across her chest and her lips turned down in a frown. All around her, her fellow vampires-all dressed in their high-fashioned apparel- chatted excitedly, wondering why Kraven had called them all to the salon. 

Amongst the crowd of the undead nobility, Selene spotted a few of her Death Dealer comrades. To her relief, they all looked as though they'd rather be anywhere but there.

_Good, _she thought to herself. _I'm not the only one who thinks this is pointless. Whatever Kraven wants, it had better be quick, and it had better be worthwhile._

Just then, Ordoghaz's surrogate master-otherwise known as Kraven- entered the room, followed by his devotees. Kraven situated himself before all the vampires, in front of the fireplace. His devotees-many of whom were recent initiates and little more than servants- sat at his feet, looking up at him eagerly. Erika-the little blonde with a massive crush on him- was fidgeting like an excited child.

Gradually, the noise in the salon died down, and Kraven cleared his throat importantly. "My lords and ladies," he addressed them. "As I know you're well-aware, the time of the Awakening is approaching. In less than two months' time, Amelia will return to her crypt and Markus will take the throne for the next century."

Murmurs broke out throughout the room, many of them coming from Markus's fledglings, who were looking forward to the Awakening of their sire. Selene sighed-Markus was likeable enough, but deep in her heart, she wished it was Viktor being Awakened.

Kraven waited for the chatter to die down before speaking again. "But it has come to my attention that _some _of you-" He cast a pointed look in Selene's direction. "-Forget who it is that is in charge during Markus's-and Viktor's-absences.

He gave Selene another pointed look, and she was sorely tempted to make a certain rude hand gesture at him. But she resisted and settled for rolling her eyes instead.

"However," Kraven continued, ignoring Selene's eye-rolling. "While I may have been left in charge of this coven, I don't want anyone to think of me as some sort of-I don't know-over lording dictator! No…I'd rather you think of me as more of a friendly innkeeper!"

Selene placed a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing aloud. _Kraven? A friendly innkeeper? _She thought scornfully. _He's lying through his teeth. He wants absolute power. Surely I'm not the only one who can see it…_

Before the crowd, Kraven strolled across the room, grabbed a random vampire-by luck of the draw, he grabbed Kahn-and pulled him to his feet. And then, to everyone's surprise, Kraven began to sing:

_Welcome, monsieur, sit yourself down  
__And meet the best innkeeper in town  
__As for the rest, all of them crooks  
__Rooking the guests and cooking the books  
__Seldom do you see honest men like me  
__A gent of good intent who's content to be…_

_Master of the house  
__Doling out the charm  
__Ready with a handshake and an open palm  
__Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir  
__Customers appreciate a bon-viveur  
__Glad to do me friends a favor  
__Doesn't cost me to be nice  
__But nothing gets you nothing  
__Everything has got a little price…_

Kraven released Kahn-who looked beyond confused-and pranced across the room, this time selecting a red-haired woman in a black blouse and pants to serenade:

_Master of the house  
__Keeper of the zoo  
__Ready to relieve them of a sou or two  
__I'm watering the wine, making up the weight  
__Picking up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight  
__Everybody loves the landlord  
__Everybody's buxom friend  
__I'll do whatever pleases  
__Jesus, then I'll skin them to the bone!_

Everyone chuckled and laughed at him, then, encouraged by his antics, they joined in:

_Master of the house  
__Quick to catch your eye  
__Never wants a passerby to pass him by  
__Servant to the poor  
__Butler to the great  
__Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!  
__Everybody's boon companion  
__Everybody's chaperone_

Kraven released his hold on the red-head and pranced across the room to find his next victim:

_But lock up your valises  
__Jesus, won't I skin you to the bone?  
__Enter, monsieur, lay down your load  
__Unlace your boots and rest from the road  
__This weighs a ton, travel's a curse  
__But here we strive to lighten your purse  
__Here the goose is cooked  
__Here the fat is fried  
__And nothing's overlooked until I'm satisfied_

_Food beyond compare, food beyond belief  
__Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef  
__Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat  
__Filling up the sausages with this and that  
__Residents are more than welcome  
__Bridal suite is occupied  
__Reasonable charges, plus some little extras on the side…_

By this point, Kraven had made his way around the room and had returned to the front. Everyone was laughing-except for Selene, who cast casting cold, unamused looks at him…

_Charge them for the lice, extra for the mice  
__Two percent for looking in the mirror twice  
__Here a little slice, there a little cut  
__Three percent for sleeping with the windows shut  
__When it comes to fixing prices  
__There are lots of tricks he knows  
__How it all increases, all in bits and pieces  
__Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!_

Again, the entire room burst into song; some of them even began to sway back and forth in time with the tune:

_Master of the house  
__Quick to catch your eye  
__Never wants a passerby to pass him by  
__Servant to the poor  
__Butler to the great  
__Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!  
__Everybody loves the landlord  
__Gives him everything they've got!_

Once again, the entire room quieted-most of the way, anyways-as Kraven stepped forward:

_Dirty bunch of geezers  
__Jesus, what a sorry little lot!_

By this point, Selene had lost all patience. Not only could she not leave to begin hunting because of this pointless meeting, but they were all swallowing his lies-even her fellow Death Dealers!-as if it were blood of a particularly fine vintage. She uncrossed her arms, and-with each step slow and deliberate- she began to move towards the front, singing her own tune:

_I used to dream that I would meet a prince  
__But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?_

_Master of the house  
__Isn't worth me spit  
__Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong shit!  
__Cunning little brain  
__Regular Voltaire  
__Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there!_

Several of Kraven's devotees burst into giggling fits at Selene's words, while Kraven flushed deep scarlet in embarrassment. But Selene still had more to say:

_What a cruel trick of nature  
__Landing me with such a louse  
__God knows how I've lasted  
__Living with this bastard in the house!_

Despite Selene's cruel-and quite embarrassing-words towards Ordoghaz's surrogate master, the entire salon burst into song yet again:

_Master of the house!_

Selene rolled her eyes:

_Master and a half!_

The group ignored her and kept singing:

_Comforter, philosopher-_

She gave a small snort and glared disdainfully at them:

_Don't make me laugh!_

They simply continued to grin and sing their song:

_Servant to the poor  
__Butler to the great_

Selene planted her hands on her hips and scowled at Kraven:

_Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!_

Despite all of Selene's harsh words, they still grinned and kept singing, this time gesturing first at Kraven, then at Selene:

_Everybody bless the landlord!  
__Everybody bless his spouse!_

Kraven-having gained some of his bravado back-seized a nearby goblet that was half-filled with blood and raised it high in the air:

_Everybody raise a glass!_

With loud hoots and hollers, everyone else raised either glasses or fists in the air. Selene sighed loudly in disgust:

_Raise it up the master's ass!_

Some laughed even louder at her words, then everyone, especially Kraven, yelled out the last few lines:

_Everybody raise a glass  
__To the master of the house!_

Everyone in the salon burst into loud and raucous laughter. Selene gave a low, agitated growl, then turned on her heel, heading for the front door.

"To hell with this…" she murmured. "I'm leaving…"

She headed outside, loving the feel of the cool night air on her face, which was flushed with anger. She climbed into her Jaguar, ignited the engine, and sped off towards Budapest.

There was always something worthwhile happening in Budapest…

* * *

_**A/N: **Yes, there's always somethinh happening in Budapest, as Selene will soon learn..._

_Oh, God, I love this song to bits...I seriously think it's fitting to Kraven and Selene and their realationship. And I swear, everything Selene said was really in the song! As you can see, Madame Thenardie reeeaaaallly loved her husband...not._

_Yes, this was seriously a random idea, but I hoped you liked it! If you did, please shoot me a review! Hell...shoot me a review even if you hated it! I can use the flames to make s'mores..._


End file.
